Journey to my BFP through Faith

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen"

“Re-filled” pain

I went to get an ultrasound today because after the break through bleeding and some sharp jabbing pains that woke me up in the middle of the night I was getting worried.

Ahhh the endometrioma that the RE drained on retrieval day refilled itself!  It is 2.3cm.  Smaller than it was before the drainage by about 1cm less.

I am to control the pain with Advil.  Doctor said we will proceed with the plan…

~Faith

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“The Profound Losses of Infertility”

All – I found this article on Resolve.org and found it is right on with how I am feeling and what several other of my blogging friends a.k.a “Infertility Support Group” out there are going through….

 

“The Profound Losses of Infertility”

Needing help, many individuals and couples turn to support
groups where they can express the hurt, anger and
resentment they cannot or will not reveal to those closest
to them. Secure among others who share the same pain,
many support group participants voice their overwhelming
sense of loss. Infertility counselors believe that if
family and friends could understand the magnitude of
this loss, they would have new insight into infertility patients’
motivation and behavior and be able to respond
more appropriately to their needs.
“The loss I feel is more than not being able to conceive,”
says one woman. “After months passed without a pregnancy,
I went to my doctor and then a specialist. Slowly
I entered a world of tests, medications and surgeries.
Treatment seemed to take over our lives, and I began to
lose the sense of who I was and where I belonged. I felt
out of control, out of place and out of luck.”

This woman, who was becoming depressed, is actually
describing several losses typical of infertility patients. Of
the eight types of loss researchers have identified which
can lead to depression in the average man or woman, the
infertile individual may experience them all: loss of selfesteem,
status, important relationships, health or an acceptable
body image, control, security, important fantasies
and someone or something of symbolic value. The
cumulative effect is profound, creating a life crisis that
impacts a person’s ability to cope and has no immediate
or foreseeable resolution.

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/06_Family_and_Friends.pdf?docID=5702

 

As I was reading through this article, I felt a stab in my heart.  The article touches and brings on so many emotions.  I am sorry if this article is painful to anyone who reads it.  I really feel it captures the various aspects of our pain well and is worth sharing to our family and friends who know that we are going through Infertility.

Good night everyone.

 

Love,

Faith

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“Breakthrough Bleeding” (TMI-warning) and Treadmill Progress

At 4:15pm yesterday I was prepping for a business dinner in the bathroom at work and suddenly felt a gush of discharge.  For those who have been following my blog, I have been on BCP for almost two weeks! So I really thought it would just be white vaginal discharge.  I went to the bathroom to wipe and saw dark old blood come out of me! OMG!!!!!!! I went to text my husband and got a mini pad from my desk.  He texted back and said maybe a cyst ruptured.  (Who knows if I had a cyst from the IVF cycle in July!?)  The other thought that crossed my mind was maybe it is the herbal medication or Mayan Abdominal massage breaking up and pushing all the old blood out…  Anyways, I didn’t have time to think too much of it! I was off to a pretty important dinner with guests from out of town! I got home around 8:45pm and there was still blood coming out.  I didn’t have time to get on the treadmill, but popped all my meds, showered, and went to bed.

 

This morning I called the RE and left a message with Triage.  Then I left a message with the acupuncturist.  The RE called back about 40 minutes later and said it is just “breakthrough bleeding” if it is brown and not red/pink blood.  I am to take BCP 2x a day now instead of 1.  Take one in the morning and one at night through Sunday.  I am to call the RE Monday to tell them whether or not the bleeding has stopped.  The acupuncturist called at 4pm and said the same thing…”breakthrough bleeding”…she didn’t want to suggest anything and asked if I called my RE.  She agreed with what they said to do.  I thanked her for her confirmation of the path-forward and told her I will see her Saturday!  [BTW- more details in a later post…but I wanted to let you guys know she gave me some herb mix to treat Endo/calm the body and told me it is safe to take through out pregnancy! Me being the “Google-Queen” asked for the list of herbs in the mix and googled every single one and found two ingredients in there that I am supposed to avoid during pregnancy!!!! I will talk to her about that Saturday! Scary!!!!!!]

 

So I got my butt on the treadmill after dinner, dishes, and ICLWing today….

 

Still walking, but definitely progress:

8/23/2012: 16 minutes 36 seconds for one mile

8/21/2012:  18 minutes and 14 seconds for one mile

 

Have a great night everyone!!!

~Faith

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Slowly moving my butt!

Let me start my saying I am not an athletic person.  I try…sometimes… I let TriMan exercise for the both of us. LoL
In Oct-Dec of 2011 I ran three 5k events. I ended up with pain in my knees.  I could barely walk up the stairs.  Went to PT in April and he said to me “you think you can wake up one day and just run?” …( for the record …I told him “yes”.) he said my knees are not aligned properly blah blah blah and I need core work out training.  I had one session and quit because PT was 2 hours long during a work day and they didn’t have openings in the evening or weekends… Before we do the FET I want to do another 5k.  It is also my goal before I turn 30 to do another 5k without getting hurt.  So I called up the PT from the same company (different office) and they are available on Saturdays!  I start this Saturday!
I pushed myself to get on the treadmill today…I didn’t want to run and end up hurting myself…so I started “turtle” slow…Don’t judge me…
  •  18 minutes and 14 seconds for one mile and burned 94.9 calories
My Goal is to run under 13 minutes per mile at the 5k coming up on 9/22.
Good reasons to exercise:
1) Getting back in shape for pregnancy
2) Rid my body of bad estrogen
3) Keep the blood flowing to the uterus
~Faith
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Welcome ICLW Friends!

Welcome ICLW Friends!

We just got back from meeting with the IVF coordinator.  It looks like our FET is scheduled for October 12th!  Before we left I asked her if she had any tips.  She suggested the following (she has gone thru 13 IVFs herself!):

  • Reduce stress (…right… Not the first time I’ve heard that one…easier said then done…)
  • Eat organic pineapple around time of transfer
  • Visualize what is going on in my body after the transfer.  Visit http://www.visembryo.com

I have been on BCP since 8/12.  My last day of BCP is 9/20. So far I have gained 4 lbs and have been pretty emotional since I started BCP. (numerous pregnancy announcements on FB does not help either!)  I start lupron (20 units) on 9/16. Other meds on deck: folgard, E2 patch, E2 cream, PIO, P4 cream, baby aspirin, and prednisone. I am not looking forward to the shots, but as we all know “no pain no gain”.

I am going to get on the treadmill tonight.  I haven’t ran in months due to knee problems, but gaining weight at this rate is not good.  I start physical therapy again for my knees on Saturday!!! The motivator is being in shape for a happy healthy pregnancy!!!

I am ready for motherhood! Let’s do this!

-Faith

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Meeting with RE after failed IVF

The RE started out saying sorry it didn’t work and she had a sad face. (I hate sympathy from doctors/nurses – let’s move on!)   I on the other hand had a HAPPY FACE!  I am over it! Let’s move on to success!   She then said that we shouldn’t worry and should still have hope because we can produce good embryos.  🙂

 

So why did the IVF failed? She thinks it is because of my endometriosis that caused it to fail and sometimes it takes more than one try with endo.  Also, she brought up the egg retrieval and the fact that when she drained the endometrioma, it was a very thick jelly consistency of old blood. YUCK. 😦   She brought up surgery again as an option and I said no.  She agreed…

 

I had lots of questions for her and she could tell that I ‘googled’ everything…she wasn’t happy about that.  I honestly don’t care because I only get to meet with her once before any major treatment so I GOOGLE to make sure I ask all the right questions!  I asked for getting my progesterone blood check before the transfer…she said they don’t normally do that, but she will put that on the protocol for me.  As I mentioned in my previous post, this can help determine the implantation success.  Overall, she said if the lining is over 6 then we are good.  :-/ (Not sure about that, but ok….)

 

We will only be transferring one.  She wants me on BCP for 6 weeks because she believes that will calm the endo down.  I will also go on Lupron, Estrogen patches, and PIO!  She also is increasing the bromocriptine because my prolactin level is at 19.  My thyroid is at 0.8, which is good she said.  [On Monday I went to my Endocrinologist (not RE) and asked them order bloodwork for me since it’s been 3 months.  I immediately went to the lab to get it done because I wanted the results in time for my RE appt! Glad I did!!! My Endocrinologist probably hates me for that because I will also be canceling my appt with her since I have the path-forward from my RE!]

 

I asked about the Auto-Immune Blood Panel.  She said that she only orders that if there has been multiple miscarriages.  TriMan and I’s logic is …we have invested so much into this process.  I don’t want to have another failed cycle because we didn’t test all that we can.  AND I don’t want to get pregnant and miscarry.  This blood test will tell us a lot and if other protocols need to be added to prevent other issues!  So the RE Office is not sure if insurance will pay for the tests since I have not miscarried before, but they gave me the list of tests with CTP codes to call the insurance with.  Here’s what the tests consist of:

  • Ana Screen W/FRLX to Titer
  • Lupus Anticoagulant
  • Cardiolipin Ab

Other tests the nurse thought we could look into:

Thrombotic Panel

  • Anti-Thrombin III Activity
  • Protein C Activity
  • Homocysteine
  • Protein S Activity
  • Prothrombin Gene Mutation
  • Factor V Leiden Mutation
  • MTHRF DNA Mutation Analysis

 

One day at a time…we will get there! 😀

~Faith

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“Let it out”

My husband agreed to go watch “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” with me last night.  He told me today at dinner that the reason why he took me to go watch it was so I could “let it out”.  He said he knew I would cry from the start of the movie to the end. (Yes that pretty much happened…All the couples around me in the theater had kids…so I was the only one in there crying!)
In case you don’t know what the movie is about…. from IMDb:  “A childless couple bury a box in their backyard, containing all of their wishes for an infant. Soon, a child is born, though Timothy Green is not all that he appears.”
I just checked online and this movie has a low rating.   No surprise…the kids in the theater kept asking their parents when they could go home…that’s how bad of a Disney movie this was.  But I didn’t care.  The movie is very touching for those going through Infertility.  I recommend it.  But you need to go into it with an open mind.  Think magical fairies!

 

Love,

Faith

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Tips for next cycle?

We have our appointment this Friday with our RE to discuss the next step since IVF #1 failed.  We have 3 Frosties.  I started BCP yesterday.  I am told that Friday I will be given a set of medications. (???)  They want me to take medication to calm my body down for the FET.  As of last week I am told our expected transfer is sometime early October.  They have a “Transfer-Batch” the week of September 11th, but I was told I would not be ready…

 

Well, I want my body to be ready! I don’t want to waste any embryos!  I don’t want to fail!

 

Some things I found online today that I would like to bring up on Friday with the Doctor…

  • Can I get an auto immunity blood test done? (They gave me prednisone last cycle since I have endo, but I wonder if there is anything else we can do)
  • Can I get my progesterone level tested the day of or before the FET?  (I guess this helps determine the Implantation success and whether or not to go forward. )
  • Pentoxifylline and Vitamin E to help the lining… (On natural cycles I have issues with my lining not being as thick, but on the IVF cycle I was being pumped progesterone so it didn’t matter)

 

Do you ladies have any tips?

 

Thanks!

Faith

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I WILL CONQUER INFERTILITY!

As you all know I was feeling pretty down on Tuesday night after getting my beta results.  This whole infertility problem has made me not who I am.   I didn’t want to go to work yesterday morning and I just had a big headache.  (I am thinking it is due to the fact that I stopped all my meds: PIO, Estrogen patch, Folgard, Predisone.)  I just wanted to drive back home and go to bed and forget about going into work as a “career woman”!!!! Dang it!  As I get closer to work a brand new song came on.  I have never heard of this artist before and I wasn’t into the music, but I decided to just listen to the lyrics… BAM! WOW……it’s what I needed to hear…

Jason Castro’s new single came on the radio… the lyrics are just so powerful!!!!!!  Before I went into work, I took a piece a paper and wrote down some of the lyrics so that I can look up the song later and I don’t know why, but in my heart I felt this and I immediately wrote it down: “I WILL CONQUER INFERTILITY!”.

Here are the lyrics:

Another day, another fight
It always feels like an uphill climb
Another step, another mile
The story of your life
It’s harder than you ever thought
And it costs you everything you’ve got
When you’re back against the wall
And you feel like giving up

(Chorus)
This is only a mountain
You don’t have to find your way around it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall
This is only a moment
You don’t have to let your fear control it
Tell it to move, it’ll move
Tell it to fall, it’ll fall

You’ve gotta find a second wind
It’s not as high as you think it is
Don’t give up and don’t you quit
You gotta climb if you wanna win

And I know it looks big
And I know you feel small
But just a little bit of faith can change it all
Change it all

Chorus

Ask like you believe it
Trust like you can see it
Take your fear and say
There’s nothing in your way, no oh
Even when it looks big
Even when you feel small
Just a little bit of faith can change it all

Chorus

It’s only a mountain
Just a little bit of faith can change it all

————-
“Infertility” – you are an evil b*tch! And I am a STRONG woman and I will defeat you!
I WILL CONQUER INFERTILITY!!!

~Faith

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Don’t judge me…beta results today=negative

I have been “cheating” as the nurse calls it and POAS since Saturday. Everything has been negative so far.  So this morning I didn’t use the Crinone.  Those suckers cost $12+ each! I got my blood test and then went back home and made my self a cup of decaf coffee.  Sooo good with hot cocoa mix in it!  I have resisted decaf coffee since we started IVF because I was told there was still some caffeine in it.  I went to work and got the results around 3:30pm. Negative! Of course! I kept my cool on the phone.  The IVF coordinator sounded really sad for me.  We setup the appt to talk to the RE on Aug 17th. I wanted earlier but she is unavailable…they estimate FET will be October! Because I need time to rest my ovaries and take meds!

After work I went and bought coffee chocolate chip gelato, gluten-free vanilla cream cookies, and ingredients to make pasta Alfredo…my comfort food.  I got home and was so upset I just cried my heart out.  I screamed at the top my lungs… It’s painful.  I thought I’d prepared myself for this…

After I got my act together I made dinner. TriMan wanted to but I insisted.  We ate dinner and I had 4 cookies afterwards…(I avoided sugar as much as possible before).  They taste just like the blonde Oreos…my weakness before going GF.  Then I just felt like having a Sierra Mist. So I told Hubby that I was just going to sugar it up! “don’t judge me…” he said do what you want! LoL… I am going to have to detox tomorrow!

I will start BCPs on day 3…period expected within a week.  I plan on going to acupunture and taking herbs throughout this coming cycle. Also, add back in the Mayan abdominal massage!

Night all,

Faith

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