Journey to my BFP through Faith

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen"

The Vitamin Line-up

 

I decided to count how many vitamins/pills I was taking a day…omg 14 every other day and 17 on the others.  To top it off, my blood test this morning showed that my estrogen level is only 72, which is low and so they added two more pills a day for me (Estrace 2mg)…Yay…Not!!!!!  (I have to take the estrogen one vaginally :-S)

See the line up photos below.  I forgot to grab the CoQ10 pill for the photo…honestly all the bottles started looking the same…

Endometriomas live off of estrogen and sugar! So of course I try to cut off it’s life supply with vitamins and exercise.  (I ate a snickers bar today…I forgive myself because AF is still here…)  My goal has been to get rid of bad estrogen and now my doctor wants to add estrogen to my body.  I explained it to the pharmacist who knows me by name and he said he doesn’t know what I should do… poor nice guy.  (btw-he told me there were issues with the manufacturers of estradiol/estrace ….not sure what’s going on, but hopefully I don’t need to take those after Sunday because he only has 4 pills left in stock.  I was dispensed 12.  I have to go in for another blood test Monday.
On top of all these, I just got my lupron shot and I get to put on a new estradiol patch tonight on my belly and I start estrogen cream this weekend!  I am a legal druggie.

 

Here is my left arm today from all the blood draws…I had to wear a sweater at work today with people asking me why… “umm….because it’s cold” ….and then they ask “well, why is your desk fan on…” … “umm…to drown out the noise” (it was getting loud in my area…good excuse…..phew)

 

Ok, I’m done “showing off” my list of “drugs”.  I need to go put a patch on my belly, take 6 of them by mouth and 1 vaginally now.
~Faith

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Weekend Recap, Re-testing, and randomness

5k – goal not met

Ok, so I didn’t accomplish my goal for under 13minutes at the 5k this weekend.  I was about 16 minutes.  I ended up walking 80 percent of the time.  The course turned out to be uphill and through the desert to parts I never knew existed.  The only thing that kept me going was thinking of “beating up” my endometriomas and trying to get rid of it by being healthier and active.  I know that I can’t get rid of them completely without surgery, but I know I can reduce the size.  My PT warned me not to do the 5k this weekend and to do the 1mile instead.  Of course I didn’t listen and am now at home with ice packs.

blood drawn

I went to get my blood drawn this morning…to finish up the order from Friday.  I didn’t have an appt, but luckily the girl that drew my blood on Friday was there and saw me.  I was able to skip in front of 7-8 other people who didn’t have an appt.  I asked why and they said because they already had everything ready for me in terms of paperwork.  Ok – no complaints there!   I want to bring something to your attention though.  I did some research this weekend and found out that there are some women with no blooding clotting factors until they get pregnant!  So it is recommended to ask for the panel when you are pregnant anyways just in case to avoid miscarriages!!!

Remodeling

The guy that came to do the estimate for the flooring on Saturday gave us the wrong estimate because the sample we received for the wood floors we wanted were the wrong sample types.  So I was really frustrated after I found out because I am a very schedule oriented person and I just felt like I wasted my time and I won’t get my room done sooner.  The Lupron is not helping my mood either.  The combo of Lupron and BCP is great and makes me happy, but since I had to stop BCP last Thursday, I’ve been a moody-monster! 😦

Food/Nutrition

I have been cutting out quite a bit of beef in my diet.  On Friday I had a lot of blood drawn, so I figured I eat some of the frozen Organic Meat Sauce in the freezer to get some Iron from the beef (a good reason to clear out the freezer).  To be honest, I did not enjoy eating the beef very much.  I was surprised.  It used to be one of my favorite comfort meal that I crave all the time.  So when it came time to clean up after dinner, I saved the remaining noodles in the fridge and asked hubby if he would eat the leftover sauce the next day.  He said no and we agreed to toss it out. 😦 (WHAT A WASTE!!! But I really couldn’t eat it, I ended up picking out a lot of the meat on my pasta dish).

So I think TriMan and I are really getting used to this Semi-Pesco-Vegetarian thing.  I will still have my cheeseburger once in a while (I hope), but it’s so good to be more aware of what we are eating.
I also skim through my cookbook collection and came across a book called “Raw Food Made Easy”.  I recall getting that book in the mail and was so turned off by the recipes I put it away.  I went through it this weekend and had a different perspective.  I am actually excited to try to recipes now.

Period

My full period finally started on Sunday!!! Yay!!! The break through bleeding was getting annoying and I couldn’t wait until I got my full period.  I started Folgard on Sunday and also the Estrogen patch.

 

Off to meet TriMan for lunch at a local Thai restaurant. I am addicted to Thai food. 🙂

Happy Monday everyone!

~Faith

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FET: 1st U/S & Blood tests

I got to the RE office and asked the front lady why my IVF Coordinator haven’t called me back.  The front desk said, she is leaving the practice and have been training someone. WOW, OK….

I went in for my 1st U/S this morning.  It sucked… They found another endometrioma, which is probably why I have been having more pain.  So the one that was drained during the IVF Egg Retrieval has grown to 20mm.  The new one is 10mm.  The lining was 6.57mm.  The U/S Lady could not really find my right ovary.  My husband told her we see it once every 20 U/S or so.  She then made a comment that the right ovary acts like it is in post-menopausal state, but isn’t.  Seriously, why did she have to say that and then say “it isn’t.”  It just annoyed me because the doctor has never told me that.  Granted when the doctor does the U/S she finds it.    I then went to get my blood test.  I was supposed to get the estrogen, progesterone, prolactin, and the auto-immune & thrombotic panel done.  They didn’t have it down to test the prolactin – good thing I mentioned it!!! So they ended up drawing for estrogen, progesterone, and prolactin.  I was told the others need to be done elsewhere!!! (this is why I called my IVF Coordinator earlier this week!!! But did not get a call back!)  The nurse also said that the auto-immune and thrombotic panel will be 14 vials and will take 2 weeks! I freaked!!!
I went to work after the appt and told my boss I had to leave at 2:30pm for another medical appt.  (My boss does not know about the IVF process, he only knows about the pituitary tumor!)  Anyways, I got there and they only drew 9 vials.  We chit chat and turns out she and I are the same age and she has been trying to get preggo for a year and have not been able to…  Anyways, I was getting ready to leave and asked her if some of the tests results would be back first before the others.  Thank goodness she agreed to check because when she went to the computer she realized that the front desk did not setup for her to do the MTHFR test for me!  That can only be done M to Th before 10am.  She apologized, but I am so concerned now because after googling more about the Thrombotic tests, some of them needs to be processed immediately or frozen.  I hope they know what they are doing.  The front desk was complaining non-stop while I was waiting how tired they were and couldn’t wait to go home.  This is a brand new staff that I have never seen before and I am a regular here. 😦

 

So I got the call at 5pm from the RE Office saying the estrogen was below 25, Progesterone was below 0.55, and Prolactin dropped to 15.8.  I received the OK to continue and reduce Lupron to 10 units tomorrow.
I talked to my IVF Coordinator and pretended I didn’t know she was leaving.  She then shared with me that next Thursday is her last day and so asked for her email address to keep in touch since she was moving.  I told her all the things I was doing for the house and she said it was good that I am doing all this for me.  She said she was having good vibes and was all excited for me….UNTIL I told her I got the auto-immune/thrombotic testing done today.  I told her that I wanted to prevent miscarriages.  I don’t want to get pregnant through IVF and then have a miscarriage.  The tests would help let us know more about my body and if there is anything that needs to be done.  Not sure why her voice dropped and she sounded sad that I did the tests……. OH WELL!

 

~Faith

 

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Lupron Begins…

My break through bleeding got worse today…so I called the RE.  They finally agreed to double my BCP dosage until Wednesday! I am supposed to stop BCP Thursday, but if the bleeding continues they may have me continue BCP a little longer. I am to continue as plan with the FET schedule.

I got my first Lupron shot this evening for my FET.  It didn’t hurt as bad as I remembered.  I am sure as more shots are given, my belly will be sore!

Update on the “remodeling”:
We picked out the hardwood floor today! The only thing that we keep flip flopping on is whether or not to hire a pro to install it or have TriMan learn how to install it.  We plan on having wood floors in the other rooms.  The room downstairs is not big.  It’s a little over 10 ft x 10 ft.  So it would be a good room to use as practice.  Only concern I have is how long it will take him versus hiring a pro.

Here is what it looks like on the website:

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=brazilian+koa&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1920&bih=1081&tbm=isch&tbnid=leGwCB3dSfJwxM:&imgrefurl=http://www.lumberliquidators.com/hm/brags_category.jsp%3FpageName%3DKitchen%26isRoom%3D1&docid=P8k0XpBoM9-pIM&imgurl=http://www.lumberliquidators.com/assets/images/brags/brag_52_after.jpg&w=764&h=1024&ei=XpJWUOa4F8LC2QXjxIBo&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=389&sig=102997749138357452420&page=2&tbnh=162&tbnw=119&start=62&ndsp=53&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:62,i:275&tx=74&ty=100

~Faith

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Letting Go and Living…

The past three years of infertility has been one heart break after the other.  Sacrifices has been taken…money, stopping education, not spending enough time with family, avoiding friends to not have to talk about this disease, not traveling, not doing things for myself that I WANT… Instead treating infertility and trying to have a baby has been the highest priority in my life.  These past couple of weeks I’ve done a lot of thinking…it’s time to move on.  I’m not saying that we are going to quit trying to have a baby nor are we backing out of our FET in October.  I just haven’t been living my life and enjoying it.  I haven’t been doing things that I want to do because I would think I would get pregnant in the next few months.  For example…  I’ve always wanted a walk in pantry.  We bought a new house in 2009 and it had everything I wanted in a kitchen…except a walk in pantry!  We have a bedroom downstairs next to the kitchen.  I’ve always tossed around the idea of turning that into a pantry/storage for all my nice kitchen appliances, but I didn’t actually do it.  I didn’t because if I were to get pregnant, I would need a place to nap so that I didn’t have to go upstairs.  Also, I figured when I would be in my third trimester I would just stay downstairs because I was told it may be difficult going up and down the stairs.  Anyways, last weekend I made the decision that we are going to turn that room into my “William Sonoma” Store.  I have TONS of kitchen appliances, cookware, and bake ware!  Also, I am huge huge Nordic Ware fan, so I have over half of their collection of bake ware (no joke).  We are going to repaint the room, remove the carpet, install hard wood floors, and purchase metal shelves so that I can place all my wonderful pieces on display and they will be easy to get to when I need them.  Right now the pieces are hidden in all the cabinets, taking up kitchen counter space, or stored somewhere that I have no idea.  So I am excited to have this room setup!!!

There is a huge armoire in that room downstairs that I still need to donate, which I am trying to coordinate the pickup with my progesterone oil injection home delivery (they require a signature upon delivery) so that I don’t have to take too many days off of work.  Today I cleared out the “baby room” to make room for the queen size bed to be moved into it…  Well, TriMan just moved the bed upstairs.  I cried a little.  I asked him to hug me.  I said I was sad and this is me letting go of waiting for the baby… We then made the bed and I turned off the light in the now “guest” room… This is a big step for me.  I feel pain inside my heart and soul.  The pain of letting go.  It kinda feels like the pain when you break up with someone who you love so much but you know they are not good for you.  (Sorry that’s the best “analogy” I can think of…but really not living life and just being sad about infertility is a bad thing.)  I feel a little more free and not chained by infertility… a little happier… but it’s still bittersweet right now.  I know I will feel better by just letting go and living my life with the mindset I had before I was trying to get pregnant! The mindset of “I know that one day I will like to have babies, but right now I am focused on me.”.  (Sounds selfish, but oh well I deserve to be happy.)  I am not in denial.  I honestly feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time and being so sad and sorry for myself that I need to live.  I need to be happy…

On the FET side of things…I start my Lupron tomorrow.  I am still having my break through bleeding.  It’s been 7 days straight…  I stopped the chinese herbs yesterday because I don’t feel like it was doing anything for me and I am going to stop acupuncture because I believe I can relieve my stress now by letting go and living…

Coram Deo.

~Faith

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Can’t sleep.

Every night I lay awake with the iPad while TriMan sleeps. We go to bed by 8:30pm so he can get enough sleep for training. Usually I read the news, blogs, pinterest, and facebook until I get really tired ( around 10pm ). I am under the covers so the light doesnt bother hubby. LoL ( quietly )

Well, the thunder is rolling in and I just finished wiping my tears as I read my friend’s 3 year old son’s CaringBridge page. His son is on phase two of chemo.  My friend and his wife are exhausted.  They have a two week old baby girl as well. Their son has been waking up every night saying “owie” due to low blood counts.  He is in good hands though. His mommy is a PA who specialized in pediatric oncology.

They posted this video on their page.  A song Taylor Swift co-wrote with a mother.  Her son died from cancer…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ITrd7fM6aY

I listened to every word of the song and visualized the story… My heart aches.  I can’t imagine how the mother feels. It is terrible what she had to go through.  And then I think of my friend…
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FET Protocol and Improved Diet

All,

Just wanted to let you know that I’ve added a page called “FET Protocol” and scanned in the FET calendars that my RE gave me.

Also, I’m going to try and improve my diet.  I hope the pain with my endometriosis will reduce.  I’ve added a page called “30 Day Challenge”.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

xoxo,

~Faith

4 Comments »

Bleeding again?!?!?

I think I have break through bleeding again!!! Ahhhhhh

Need to call my RE in 5 minutes. They open at 8am….

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It’s Saturday…

I have been tossing and turning since 4am. TriMan’s alarm went off so he can go training. I can’t fall back asleep. It’s Saturday and we all deserve to sleep in! I am still laying in bed and the right side of my stomach hurts. Heating pad time. Endo sucks 😦

Anyways, I start my lupron on 9/16! I need to go to the specialty pharmacy today to get that and also pick up estrace. I have not used that before. I have PT this morning and also acupunture.  I am not sure if acupunture is worth it anymore. I always leave there spending $100-$190.  I am not sure the herbs are working either.   ::sigh::  acupunture is really to help me reduce stress and relax.  My RE is not a fan, but allows me to go if I feel it helps me relax. It sorta does because I feel like I can help in a small way with treating my infertility “disease” and endo.

Some of the reasons why I keep going can be found in the article from Dr. Randall Lewis: http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/conceive-conversation-dr-randine-lewis

what drives me nuts is this Paragraph in the article:

“Fertility is the natural expression in someone of reproductive age who is balanced of body, mind, and spirit. Those who have the most difficulty conceiving are productive, successful, goal-oriented women. This goal-oriented approach produces a stressful internal environment, which releases adrenocortical hormones that are antagonistic to fertility. I encourage them to take the baby idea out of their goal-setting Daytimers, and place the feeling of longing for the child in their hearts. Babies come from the spark of Life itself, not from our limited attempts to force them into being. Aligning oneself with life brings forth life; not fighting against it.”

I am a type A person.  I am a very goal oriented person. The paragraph above makes me feel like its all my fault for not being able to conceive!!!  My family have told me to stop doing so much.   I cant stop living life and not be productive.  I have tried that. I quit going to school three years ago (MBA) so I could relax, but that didn’t give me a baby and now I dont have my masters! (totally regret it…only had a year left) So I go to acupuncture weekly to try to achieve a “healthy body, mind, and spirit”….(motto of my acupunture place)…

On the bright side of things, my second attempt at riding a bike was a success,  I didn’t crash. :). Hopefully I get some time this weekend to ride some more.

Have a great weekend!

Xoxo,

Faith

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Athletic? Who me?!

I am going to ask TriMan to buy me a comfort bike today… My plan is to wake up early during the week days and ride next to TriMan while he runs!

I have not ridden a bike since I was …hmmm…I don’t remember, but lets just say over a decade ago!!!

Here she is….

I hope that this will help improve circulation and prepare my body physically for being pregnant!

Btw – Today was my second visit to physical therapy! My knees are doing better!!!! 🙂

~Faith

6 Comments »

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