Journey to my BFP through Faith

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen"

A year ago today…

A year ago today, TriMan and I went in for IVF transfer #3.  We decided to empty the freezer and transfer our last two embies.  We had the first appointment of the day….our appointment was at 11am…we waited for the doctor to arrive..this time I don’t believe we took selfies to capture the day.  The last couple of times we did and i just didn’t want to get ‘excited’ for something that may not happen.  The doctor arrived, we went into the room, the embryologist verified our identities with the embies, the doctor did a mock transfer…and BAM he deposited them into my uterus in a matter of minutes…what?!? We are done? Last time it took an hour… unbelievable…so I didn’t need surgery to open my cervix… (the previous doctor said i needed it before ivf transfer #3) We received a copy of the embies first photos and were on our way.

Throughout the TWW, I didn’t restrict myself much.  I sat on the sofa post transfer, but didn’t lay down.  I just relaxed, ate lots of chicken noodle soup and drank hot cocoa….  I was content and tried not to think about the fact that we had the transfer.  I never once peed on a stick.  I recall feeling my heart beat really fast before bed once or twice, but didn’t think much of it.  I felt really tired Christmas Eve while cooking for my husband’s great grandma, but again just grabbed a stool and sat in front of the stove making her favorite dish pasta shrimp Alfredo.  When it was time for dinner, I ate so much…  Again I didn’t think much of it, my only concern was I hope his granny didn’t think I was a cow for gobbling up seconds on the pasta and garlic bread! (I still wanted more, but had to control myself!)

Christmas day was when I was due for a pregnancy blood test, but the facility was not opened so I had to wait for the next day.  I thought about peeing on a stick, but nah…in my heart I was set on faith that whatever happens is in God’s plan and I was prepped mentally for another failure…

On testing day I went and got my blood test in the morning and visited my Mom afterwards.  I was scared…I have held up so strong the last two weeks, but now it got real….and I cried.  My Mom comforted me by reminding me that everything that happens is in God’s plan.  It helped me pull through.  This whole IVF process has taken a toll on me mentally and physically.  The only reason I have been surviving is through God’s love and comfort.

1pm rolled around and TriMan and I were just sitting on the couch watching tv and waiting… The phone rang.  I went to get my phone in the kitchen.  Hmm caller id was private.  Typically it would show the facility’s number.  I answered and it was an IVF staff member…i quickly went to sit next to TriMan so we could both hear the results together…

“The test was positive, you are pregnant” she said….my response… “Are you serious?”

Fast forward a year later…I am sitting here typing and watching our TWINS sleep!  It is still surreal…

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Parched, Hysterscopy, Liebster Award

I’ve been awake since ummm “yesterday”.  I couldn’t fall asleep last night because the hysterscopy is today.  No food or water after 4am – surgery is not until 12pm.  So I forced myself to eat a bagel, two sunny-side up eggs, and chicken sausage at 3:20am.  Some of it went to the dogs.  I then ate a pear and drank my water.  Logged into work a bit and tried to sleep on the sofa.  I think I did end up getting 2-3 hrs in, but I woke up at 7am parched.  As you guys know I was in ER a few weeks ago, I landed in Urgent Care last Wednesday night till Thursday morning.  The sinus infection didn’t go away.  They prescribed me bactrim DS, vicodin, and prednisone.  I only got the bactrim and prednisone because vicodin is a little excessive I think.  Anyways, with Bactrim you need to drink lots of water…I feel so parched. I “can’t” wait for the IV… 😦

I apologize for taking so long to write another posting………
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Thank you to Truffles and Cindy for the Liebster Award nomination!

“What is a Liebster Blog Award? The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.” [BFP Envy]
Here are answers to their questions:

Truffles [BFP Envy]:

  1. Where is the most exciting place you have traveled to?  Isle of Pines – best snorkeling ever
  2. Do you prefer chips or cookies? both
  3. Coffe or tea? Love sweetened condensed milk with french coffee, but have been enjoying Royal Cup Mango Breeze Tea
  4. What is one thing you always carry with you in your purse?  Hand Sanitizer: germs = yuck
  5. Do you typically wear high heels or flats? If I could I would wear flip flops to work, but instead I wear mostly heels
  6. What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? don’t have a favorite 😦  I can’t tolerate alcohol well, but I use it in cooking!!! Guinness Beer with onions because it makes my turkey so flavorful
  7. What is your favorite book and why?Bible
  8. If you won a million dollars, what is the first big purchase you would splurge on? I would pay off my house
  9. Who is your celebrity crush? Brad Cooper
  10. What is the last movie that you watched that made you cry? The Odd Life of Timothy Green
  11. What is one wonderful thing you would like to share about your significant other? Loves me for who I am and supports my decisions.

Cindy [Our work of A.R.T]:

  1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Fancy Beach house near crystal clear waters with the best snorkeling!  (Near Australia/French Islands…)
  2. What is your favorite food? Brownies…. probably not considered a real food, but seriously I love brownies!
  3. What is your favorite holiday and why? Thanksgiving! I love cooking for my family and enjoy spending time with them.
  4. If you could be any person for just one day who would you be? An observer before the crucifixion, watching Jesus and learning more from him
  5. If you could have dinner with 3 people, dead or alive, who would they be? Jesus, President Obama, President Reagan – they all need to talk…
  6. What is your favorite season? Fall because of snuggling in with hot chocolate, but Spring because things are beautiful and green!!!
  7. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? Don’t freak out about everything!
  8. What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? I laugh at myself whenever I do embarrassing stuff, so I can’t recall what I last did…lol
  9. If you could pick one super power to have what would it be and why? Healing – I would love to heal all those who are suffering
  10. What is your favorite movie of all time? Billy Madison (good laugh when I am not feeling well) and Ratatouille (just too cute)
  11. Why do you blog? To let it out…

I hope to have my nominations in the next few days.

~Faith

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MIA

Sorry to all my blogger friends.  I plan on being MIA as I soak in the next steps…

Surgery is scheduled for the 12th of November.

G-CSF shots 30mcg every other day starting cycle day 1 with cycle day 20 being FET (ah…this is still in clinical trial or something… I can’t find clear cut research or results on this…)

Lovenox shots right after FET  (Due to low Protein C I need to take this anyways throughout the whole pregnancy)

PIO up from 50mg to 100mg (Being placed on a Low Estrogen – High Progesterone protocol)

Prednisone before and after FET

 

 

I.am.scared…..but.diving.in…I.will.conquer.this…  my new family doctor’s first comments to me when I told her I am going through IVF was “Power of Prayer”.

 

Faith

 

P.S. Thank you Truffles for nominating me for the award.  I plan on writing a post as soon as I can get my thoughts together.  xoxo

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Transfer of Care

As you know I was in ER on Monday and pregnancy test was negative.  I called the RE and the nurse insisted I come the next day for my beta.  I explained to the nurse what I went through in ER and she said she would let my IVF coordinator and doctor know.  On Tuesday the IVF coordinator called and “acted” really sad for me that it was negative.  I told her I already knew and I told the nurse yesterday…she was surprised…. :: Sigh:: I was not happy the news did not get communicated to her when I was told they would let her know.  Maybe because I am an engineer or something, but my attitude is if it doesn’t work, move on! I don’t want a doctor/anyone to give me sympathy.  I want answers and solutions to move forward.  So I was also really agitated and when I told her I needed to see the RE asap and she tried to schedule me for sometime in November.  I needed antibiotics, but ER wouldn’t write the prescription because they were afraid that it would interfere with my IVF process.  She apologized and said there were no openings sooner.  So I thought it was the perfect opportunity to ask for a transfer of care to a different RE within the practice.  We were able to meet with him on Thursday.  (Btw, I went to a family doctor Wednesday.  They prescribed motion sickness meds for inner ear unbalances and amoxicillion for my possible sinus infection.)

Thursday morning we met with the other RE…they called it the “Second Opinion” Appt.  He immediately suggested a different approach to the IVF process and suggested I get a hysteroscopy, where they put me under and put a scope in me and carve 4 lines in my uterine lining to improve chances of implantation…. He also gave me a different med to treat my high prolactin that has no yucky side effects like bromocriptine!  He wants me to go on lovenex before/after transfer and take very small dose of prednisone post transfer until beta….  TriMan told him that we had a good embryo going into FET #1, but he believes the RE that did the transfer failed and took an hour long.  The New RE was surprised and said maybe it was because my bladder wasn’t full enough…. Thank goodness I brought my U/S photos.  I showed him and his eyes got huge when he saw how big my bladder was!!!!!!  He also immediately wrote down that he needs to use a 45 degree instrument to do the transfer because he could see the shape of my uterus.  He said he always has backup equipment for these situation……(why didn’t the other RE used that!?)  We completed our ‘consultation’ and said we will call his nurse/IVF Coordinator (different lady) if we decide to go with him.  Well, it didn’t take us long…we waited in the waiting area for a nurse to print my new prescription and both decided to go with this RE and let them know.  They said ok and just to call back when I started my period.  Well, I got home …I got my period!!!!!!!!!  Thank goodness I am like a clock! I get my period 3 days after I stop PIO shots and 1.5 days to get my period when I am on progesterone cream only and stop.  So that evening I got a call from my *new* IVF Coordinator/Nurse and we scheduled my transfer for December.  She had to call my insurance to confirm they will pay for the hysteroscopy before she could set the date.  She called me yesterday and said the first opening is Nov 5th! OMG that date is just around the corner!  I haven’t committed to a date yet, but wow… things are moving fast.  I hope I am making the right decisions.  Hysteroscopy is done when there has been multiple failed IVFs, but there is always a risk with surgery.  I am going to pray about it before I make a decision.

Faith

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ER

I got up this morning and felt dizzy. I wrote my boss an email that I wold be in late so that I could try and feel better. A couple hours went by and I still felt bad.  I went downstairs to email my boss again and struggled to stay balanced and broke into sweat. Hubby had a crisis at work and I couldn’t get a hold of him.  So I called my mom and she rushed to take me to urgent care but suggested I went to ER.  I also tried calling the RE office but they had me leave a message with the nurse. ER let me in immediately….I had to pee in a cup, got 3 vials of blood drawn, a brain CT scan and 2 bags of IV. Dr. Says the scan looks good, but the pregnancy blood test is negative.  He thinks I have inner ear probs and diagnosed me with vertigo.  He didnt want to give me meds that would interfere with IVF….and so I need to coordinate with RE.

I got home and called the RE. They still want me to come in for beta testing to confirm my numbers…. Ugh another poke for no reason.  The nurse claims she had a patient go to ER for blood test and they said she was not pregnant, but turned out pregnant….

I don’t want to have false hope, but I will continue to go through this process…

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9dp4dt…bfn…FET failed..

I woke up Thursday at 4am to pee and my head spun like Crazy. I was so dizzy.  I tried not to get my hopes up, but I have been feeling dizzy for everyday since.  I gave in and tested because due to the low protein c in my blood I would need to start lovenox immediately if BFP…well BFN.  I have been “strong” lately, except today I was told our friend was 5 months pregnant…and saw lots of fb status this weekend about babies being born, baby room setup, baby going for a walk, baby going to the zoo, etc!  I broke down and cried while hubby tried to give me the PIO.  My butt is bruised so badly from all the shots…. My beta test is Tuesday, but since we know it is 99% negative I just want to stop all this torture… The PIO is causing the dizziness…

Sadly, I feel no hope today…I just don’t understand.

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FET Photos

Here is the picture of our embryo before the transfer and the Ultrasound photo of the transfer.

As you can see the U/S looks very hazy.  The spot is not bright white like how it’s “supposed to be”…  [Yes, my bladder was going to EXPLODE…I was debating peeing on the table!!! I would if I could.  During the procedure I asked where the closest bathroom was.]

I have been trying to do things around the house, but TriMan just wants me to rest to give our embryo the best chance… I keep telling him that I don’t want “false-hope” and disappointments.  I feel at peace and just trusting God.  I read in a Christian book today to stop focusing on the negatives and be thankful about all the positive things that God has blessed us with.  I am thankful that I know we can create embryos.  We will one day have our own children, but I am leaving it in God’s hands….Trusting him and being thankful for what I have.

~Faith

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RE shook her head post FET…

Our embryo thawed well, but the transfer didn’t… It took almost an hour and the RE was not satisfied. I had to pee so bad I didn’t even look at the ultrasound screen.  I left as fast as I could to go pee when we were done. She came back with our u/s photo and shook her head.  She did not get a clear photo of the embryo deposit.  It is a little hazy.

I told her I don’t believe this worked… She said “I know…”.

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Valium and Ativan….pls work

Tomorrow is my FET….and I am freaking out. Mostly because I am taking the day off and have so much work to do.  I have been praying to God that if this doesn’t work that I will not be upset and rejoice in his love and blessings. It’s hard. I cried a couple of times today while driving…not good.  I told myself that I would relax today and not stress, but every little thing has been getting to me.  So finally I popped 2mg of Valium at 8pm.  Nothing….still panicky… So I popped another 2mg at 9pm.  I am not loopy or tired, but finally feel “normal”, not panicky.

Tomorrow I get to take Ativan an hour before the procedure… My pharmacist said that 0.5mg is such a low dose! Should I have gotten more???  There will be no acupuncture this time, so I need something!

Btw, I got my P4 checked today. 49.7!!! RE office called and said that was excellent.  I have a “knotty” butt right now…I found it yesterday. Hubby made a mistake with the PIO shot… No idea… I didn’t have this problem last cycle!

Ok I am done rambling now…  I just need to focus on God…”walk by faith”…and trust Him.  We know it’s easier said than done for those still struggling with “infertility”…

Faith

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My Lining & Pantry/Storage

After an hour and 15 minute wait at the RE office on Saturday, I finally got my Ultrasound.  My lining was 7.25mm yesterday.  She said it was good and a couple of hours later I got the call that it would be my last night on lupron and start PIO injections on Sunday.  Also, I needed to take Vitamin E (400mg)  twice a day so that any mucus caused by the increased estrogen level (mine was at 1522 last week!!!) will be dried up by Friday and the doctor wouldn’t have to worry about during the transfer.  Anyways, tonight I get to start P4 cream, PIO, in addition to estrogen pills and estrogen cream… I also bought a pre-cut pineapple yesterday and they left the whole core in there.  I cut a piece of the core this morning to see what it would be like…chewy and fibrous!!!  I have a whole organic pineapple ripening on the counter in preparation for Friday.  I guess I am supposed to cut the core in five pieces and eat one a day starting on FET.

 

So we decided to hold off on the flooring in the “pantry/kitchen” storage room.  The guy that came to do the estimate said $1,700… seriously for a 100 sq ft room?!  I can afford it, but I feel I can do other stuff with the $$$$! So no.  If TriMan did it himself then it would only cost about $1k, but he doesn’t feel comfortable installing it since if we do it wrong we would lose the warranty.  The chrome shelving racks were delivered Thursday night.  So TriMan  installed them all yesterday and I’ve been cleaning out our kitchen and stacking them on the racks.  Below are some photos of what I have so far.  I may decide and rearrange things later and there are still a lot of stuff that needs to be organized and stored in here.  I can’t believe how much stuff there was in the kitchen cabinets!!! I love organizing my stuff like this!!! Now I know what I have and may actually use them!

 

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

~Faith

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